Although she had pleaded with me all through the night that she might be let back into my room, upon entering the wind soon grew restless. Disturbing the curtains, upsetting my papers, invigorating the dust that had before slept deeply on the mantelpiece. The wind did not even stay for tea, and in moments the air was still once more. She would not say when she might return, perhaps even the wind herself does not know where she is headed next.
I am many things, but one thing alone. Lost, confused, unforgivably human.
I don’t mean to say that I am lying to you, but to express the truth, the utmost truth, I would need more than just these imperfect words.
Because this weekend has flown by faster than any I can ever remember. It’s probably because I packed so many things into two days and made so many discoveries. Saturday involved waking up earlier than post-14-year-old me ever has on a weekend. Hyperbole aside, I spent a good proportion of Saturday at the paintball range where I made a number of observations.
- It is frighteningly simple to detach the concept of shooting others and causing them pain from the sensation of them shooting you. We congratulate ourselves on hitting the other player, a friend as well as fellow human being, and yet recoil in fear at the concept of them returning the sentiment. This is the ideology of warfare, this is the mindset that is drilled into soldiers, the very thing that had to be addressed when the majority of bullets in world war one were deliberately misfired. It’s an essential element of our humanity, and yet compassion is discouraged in this world.
- Additionally paintball seems to serve as a reinforcement of the warfare fantasy ingrained into society through the media. Perhaps you don’t agree with me. But when people pay money to dress up in khaki and wield paint rifles just for the chance of experiencing the “thrill” of battle, there is something wrong. When someone turned to me and said “I think now we know how the ANZACs felt” I sincerely wanted to slap them. You really have no idea, and I hope you never will.
- This sort of thinking will result in an unsuccessful game of paintball. Not only did I play ridiculously defensively but I refrained from shooting others for fear of hurting them too much. I struggled to maintain this feeling and found myself slipping more and more into the aggressive attitude of the game. I think I frightened myself. I’d like to think I could endure all the white feathers in the world to prevent myself from having to kill or injure another living person.
Having had altogether too much time to think about this whilst cowering in the bunkers I enjoyed the relatively painless treck to Sydney I dutifully endured in the name family loyalty. I attended my sister’s 19th party which, despite its flaws, was an enjoyable evening. Interacting with so many university students really shocked me out of my high-school-centric mindset. There is a world out there in which success is not so clearly defined and no one will tell you when to take lunch. Frightening stuff, to be sure. I met the cat called Borris, my sister’s workmate’s daughter beyonce, the slightly disabled man nunzio, a crowd of what appeared to be lost Swedish backpackers and an assortment of fascinating people who were all in various states of drunkenness. My sister gallivanted about the house proffering the cheapest of alcohols until the party disintegrated and everyone fell asleep on the floor.
More train travel and an evening at work later, I am still wondering why it isn’t Friday any more. Somebody slow life down, I need a breath of air.
Sometimes a person can go for months without feeling anything. A kind of numbness washes over them as they live each day exactly as they have done for any number of days prior. Awakening with nothing but ambivalence to carry out the tedium of their daily lives. It’s a state we enter into voluntarily, to make life easier, but sometimes it’s difficult to extricate one’s self from this state of utter detachment.
At these times all we need is an emotional shock, a moment of intense love, grief, joy or fear to remind us that our feelings, however dormant they have become, are still accessible to us. When this occurs we realise that no matter how easy it is to live without emotion, without connection to those around us, the hardships and misery that we face are always worthwhile if just for the sake of feeling anything at all. In life we must learn to accept the torment with the joy, or else feel nothing at all.
So, continuing on from my fascinating party costume question I have been provided with the following riveting options:
- a ninja turtle (not on your life Aleks, I detested that show)
- a green olive (points for wit, but not for practicality)
- a dill pickle (points for neither :P)
- a broccoli (at least it isn’t a pickle)
- a frog (I just wish I had a kermit costume)
- an apple (I am still too terrified of Captain Barbossa to consider this)
- a leaf
- grass (I think a gillysuit could be perfect, but the cows man… think of the cows)
- watermelon (I love watermelon! But I think it’s a summer food. This is not summer)
- a green crayon/pencil
- green eggs and ham (I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them with a fox, I do not like them in a box…)
- an army soldier (I saw some of these on the internet, as in the green toy ones except people, and they looked stunning. But I don’t have the equipment D:)
- a caterpillar (I can just imagine myself in a “very hungry caterpillar” suit eating all of the food, so tempting)
- It was also suggested that I bathe in food colouring. But I have work the next day so probably not a goer.
I’m sensing some kind of edible pattern here. (With exceptions including, perhaps, the turtles)
I need a green costume tumblr friends. Something exciting, not superhero related, but pretty much anything else. Use all of your creative juices. ALL of them.
Why haven’t you answered yet?
Oh thank you anon. You are very kind and adorable, yourself. I have been described as adorable by an anon before, but “not kitten adorable”. That anon also used only lowercase too. Are you the same anon? Should I write you some lovely things? I would very much like to but tragically (and I mean that) I don’t know who you are. I hope, whoever you are, that you are having a nice week and I shall endeavor to put some more writing on my tumblr. I have been so lazy and preoccupied lately. Could you tell me who you are so I don’t have to bother everyone with my long-winded replies on my dash? And also, because I am curious. But I respect your privacy and as far as anons go you are one of the best :) Have a wonderful night kind stranger.